Posts Tagged ‘past’

images (1) “Everybody seems overly excited, isn’t it”, he chuckled while writing ferociously in his leather diary.

The plump, fat possibly, in a tight fitted red dress lady was addressing her female fans around.  She often blurted a slight laugh by twisting her lips in some ugly pouts. He knew it never had worked for her.

He glanced across the room. Packed with 60 living creatures, room looked too small for him to find his distraction.

Sporadically, few of her female fans would look each other in admiration. The leader lady, he thought, was still beautiful. Even though little over-sized now, her figure was not ‘out-of-shape’. Her love handles seemed neatly packed inside the tummy tuck she might have worn. Her upper body revealed no extra fat which might have forced her cleavage to show off. She was now a plus size perfection!

He gulped his third pint of Tuborg. A young looking man passed through him to order whiskey on the rocks. He stared at him in dismay. The man gulped the drink in a sip and went towards the couch at the right end of the room, swaying his hips to indicate his drunken state.

He was not sure of his next drink. He drifted away from the bar, the place which might entice him to opt for another Tuborg.

‘Why king is made on the door always?’ he thought aloud to himself while entering the loo- 3 pints and already peeing for the fourth time. DAMN! Exasperated, he tried unzipping to do the business.

The party looked unchanged when he returned. Red lady with fat still attracted other females. The slouched man still lingered around his crowd. And he still stood ‘alone’ beside the bartender.

Someone cleared the mike with a husk ‘HELLO’. Standing in a golden dress with a slit, the Emcee woman looked no less than a celebrity. His heart skipped a beat, he assumed. He listened carefully again.

It was strange. At the age of 37, he was still exploring his options by going to various parties. Being a journalist, he always had been on move till now, travelling to places he had not heard before.

Though, not a single day had gone by, when he had not thought of getting married. After the resignation from his last employer, it had become difficult for him to stay in 2 BHK alone. He would get up; feed self with toast jam and milk, spending most of his nights in parties he would not know. The routine had been unchanged since past 2 years.

The plump lady in red dress had taken the stage. He could hardly hear now, possibly because of his drunken mind or over-excited applauding crowd.

He had decided not to attend any party tonight. After numerous failed attempts to get over with the last night hangover, it was sensible of him to stay indoors. However, the ex-colleague request had made him step out to cover another party for the weekend edition. Trying to fit into his best outfits, he had driven to the venue reminding self to be sober. It was work which he could not mess unlike his personal screwed life.

Though, he soon had lost his mind when he saw that lady in a tight fitted red dress. After the first pint of Tuborg, she had been easy for him to look at. He always knew, the drink would help him in need.

“2 Margarita, please” – a couple distracted his thoughts.

He had dated her for 12 precious years, when finally she had decided to move out. It had been difficult for him. He was 35, with baggage of job responsibilities and no emotional support.

She did not want to get settled at her age, which she believed was too young. 

He had resigned from his loving job to explore. Explore a solution to his remorse. But 2 years had not been enough. His otherwise cleaned house was a mess, his friends no more updated him with their lives and couple hangout was banned from his life.

He had become bankrupt emotionally though on and off freelancing projects had been helping him with his finances.

Tonight had been his confrontation with the past – the past he was still struggling to get over with.

He quickly gulped another pint.

In last 2 years, he had avoided every contact which might end him at her door. Their common friends were no longer his friends, their favorite joints were his hate list and their bedroom was his storeroom. She had been difficult for him to forget.

He was at his 8th bottle when she finally finished speaking.

She now knew him more than anyone else, yet he had spent the entire day rehearsing to propose her and be his best. That day he had decorated the house with her favorite lilies and roses. The dinner he cooked and the suit he wore seemed perfect for the upcoming celebrations.

Though, her verdict came as a surprise to him. She had already rented a flat elsewhere and the day was her last day with him.

He scribbled the last point in his diary and decided to leave.

Special comment by the host was the least he could ignore in this success party, he thought in anger.

Epilogue: She had worked her ass out to reach the place where she was. She wanted everything- money, fame and passion. Love had never been her priority. He was her best roommate and the person she adored. The bed activities she enjoyed with him were part of her friendship she knew.

That day, his proposal to get married had pissed her off. She always had told him about her plans and her ‘disinterest’ in marriages. She always had told him about her ‘willingness’ to continue like this forever. But his ignorance to all her wishes had forced her to move out of her comfort friend.

She had stayed at her friends place for a week to find a separate accommodation. She switched her job and made new friends. She even deleted his photos she preserved in her hidden files.

She had seen him at the party today. She knew he still stared her with love. She knew she still was important to him. And she knew she still did not want to marry him.

She had seen him kicking his bike, blabbering something in anger. She though stood there, watching him fade into the dark, sipping her last drink for the day in peace.


‘I waited for so long, to discover myself strong…I left the weak behind, walked the aisle proud…the new came rushing, welcomed me warm… who cares the old, they are just the past’

She checked herself again in the mirror. It was perfect she thought. The brows were in place, red paint on lips suited the attire and the kohl gave an exception look. She smiled, being a girl was awesome.

It was a time to say goodbye to the past and live the present.

It had been hard to break the societal norms, to make a decision against the convention and train self for the upcoming challenges.

She had been preparing herself strong for it, mentally as well physically. She had gone for shopping to buy short skirts, tees and accessories. Not only had she spent days getting ready in the parlour, she had also watched help videos on you tube. After a quarter of life wasted in some-random-unavoidable things, she was now confident of her dreams and life ahead.

She stepped out the house in the hope of a warm welcome. After all, girls had always been the preferred ones, she had confirmed herself. Swinging her bottom hard, she started walking down the road to meet her friends from the past life.

So the girl between us is here’, Yasbir chuckled as she entered the club door

She waved and began to speak in recently acquired tone, ‘I plan to enroll myself for a college. Then maybe get settled soon before it’s too late’

At the end, you will only be here darling’, taunted Hoshi

You guys are mean… and off course jealous’, she snapped at the gang

She knew, even though her friends were her life, they belonged to the dark past. The life she had chosen to lead did not make any sense to them. Keeping past alive in the present was the only mistake she could do to herself, she thought.

I am leaving’, she declared and left. She could hear their giggle behind. She could hear the apprehensions her friends had. But that did not make her worry. She had already started implementing her decision.

She had been a free bird, under the protection of her friends. They had been teasers together, fighters often and family always. Never had she realized, being girl alone was a dangerous affair.

The eyes started following her everywhere. It concentrated at the assets she owned. She was unaware of the daily assault she was going through. She thought it was being friendly. New friends made no effort to protect her or educate her; they themselves discussed her vitals behind her back.

Her skirts were too short, she often ignored. The red lip colour shone in the dark, she did not pay heed. Her blouse lacked sleeves, she thought it was fashion. She was content and happy with her present life. Full of attention, friends, love and opportunity which her past life lacked. She got drifted with the flow, becoming a sought after girl day-by-day.

One day, while sipping her coffee at her house with new found friends Pradeep and Ketan, she sensed their hands over her lap. It was not a friendly gesture and squeezing made it uneasy for her. She opposed her friends fearing. Ketan closed the door behind. Pradeep smiled and started tearing her clothes. She shouted, yelled but all in vain. They threw her like a ball between each other. Both spent rest half an hour, enjoying her and her helplessness. She was left crying later.

Being eunuch for 25 years had been expensive for her. Her friends mocked her at school…her siblings had disown her existence… and her parents had left her, fearing society…

She had been taken by the eunuchs at a younger age… she had enjoyed the freedom of expressions then…loved the company of fellow eunuchs Hoshi and Yasbir… and did not fear the unknown…

Choosing one of the either genders had become a mandate for her to prove her identity. She had gone under knife to become a girl, as she thought they were privileged souls.

She cried her heart out, cursing the decisions she made. She shouted for the ones who did not raped like men and got raped like women. She now knew transgenders had been nicer to her unlike men and women. She missed her past.



 ‘I left past and embraced present…Present kicked me hard and left me in ashes…Ah, my dark existence’